The Kind of Role Models Boys Need, and the Kind They Don't

Part II of My Man: It's OK to be boys

If you only read the first sentence of this post, let it be this: 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People (2024) by David Yeager, PhD is an indispensable book.

Why? you ask. Yeager describes the effect of applying a mentor mindset: "This is a mindset in which young people are held to high standards, but they are also given the support they need to meet those high standards." This is instead of an "enforcer mindset" (high expectations, low support) or a "protector mindset" (low expectations, high support). I believe boys need role models with mentor mindsets, rather than enforcers or protectors. And, in case you were wondering, low expectations and low support – AKA neglect – is another ill-suited alternative.

Enforcers rely on dominance, and though they have followers who fear them, those followers will gladly find greener pastures when the opportunity presents itself. Protectors rely on comfort, and their followers may freely frolic in fields of flowers, but they will not grow into their full potential, and they will be unprepared for the harsher seasons to come. Meanwhile, the mentor mindset:

• Upholds high standards

• Maintains order and avoids chaos

• Conveys care

• Takes young people seriously

Yeager says that "status and respect" are core needs for young people, and that if we honor those needs, we'll be much more effective in helping them make "important contributions to our organizations, families, schools, and society." In short, we help them "find motivation to do the right thing."

Like any good theory, it is easier said than done, and Yeager isn't the first person to proclaim the effectiveness of high expectations and high support. Whether it be culturally responsive teaching, growth mindset, the warm demander stance, or restorative practices, there is a lot of scholarly chatter circling around similar conclusions. If everyone could read a book and become an effective mentor, that would be sweet. Alas, being a mentor is hard work, and you don't build rapport by regurgitating leadership philosophy. Once you get off the page and onto the pavement, things get real. Life isn't scripted. Including a mentor mindset, I would ask for the following requirements on a role model application:

• Leads by example, modeling ethical behavior and respect for all

• Practices self care, care for others, and care for the environment

• Believes in reintegration and collaborates to repair harm

• Cultivates compassion in all interactions

• Is open to viewpoints that differ from one's own

• Listens with the sole purpose of helping the speaker and avoids judgment and interruption

• Values humility, interdependence, and reciprocity

Apply today! These are the kind of role models we need, across the map. I'll take the selfless, patient, kind, and skillful before the uncompromising egomaniacs who force their insight on others. The person who thinks they are no better than anyone else is wiser than the one who thinks they are the best.

We've been told that boys and men are clamoring for prestige with no regard for anyone else, yet, every day, I see boys who want to be good. I see boys who want to make a positive impact on the world, boys who want to create and experience a sense of belonging. I'm growing more certain that my eyes are not deceiving me – and rather that certain media is deceiving us all.

As adults, it is our responsibility to help pair the youth with good role models. To be clear, I am not advocating for the intensification of cancel culture. I've never been keen on ordering kids to stop hanging out with "bad" influences. That has always felt akin to an arranged marriage. Young people should exercise their critical thinking to decide who they spend their time with, forming close friendships based on mutual respect. Adults are essential in this process because they help kids, through modeling and conversation, identify the qualities of healthy relationships and honorable people.

Yeager discusses the power of creating a "stuggle-success-status positive feedback loop." He thinks summer camps are especially good at this: "At camp, you struggle at first to do hard, scary things (e.g., climb a ropes course, learn to water-ski, make friends with strangers) in the care of supportive adults. Then you get lauded with status and respect for overcoming your fears." As a long-time camp guy, I can attest to the impact of this feedback loop. No place has ever made me feel more confident, more like I belong, than camp.

The struggle-success-status feedback loop is a game changer for boys, especially in a world that often seems less interested in helping them overcome their fears, and more invested in communicating that they are the ones to be feared. As I've said before, we should not be teaching young men that it is inherently better to be a boy, that they possess a higher status because of their manhood. Instead, boys need role models who show them it's OK to be boys. It's OK for them to struggle, to earn success, and to be respected for the right reasons – and for who they are.

To get started as a mentor, I really like these paraphrased tips from Yeager:

1. Ask, don't tell. Respect young people by treating them as adultlike. Adults are asked; children are told.

2. Find ways to honor the young person's status – for example, point out their competence and expertise – rather than pointing out your own authority. Avoid an I-know-better-than-you attitude.

3. Validate whatever negative experiences young people may have had. Treat their feelings as real and legitimate. Then look for a way forward.

4. Presume agency. Acknowledge that the young person can make up their own mind, and then make it clear that you are rooting for them to make a good choice. Also, explain how their actions have broader consequences in the world.

Bill Milliken (Founder and Vice Chairman of Communities In Schools, Inc.) said, “It's relationships, not programs, that change children. A great program simply creates the environment for healthy relationships to form between adults and children. Young people thrive when adults care about them on a one-to-one level and when they also have a sense of belonging to a caring a community." And just as important as the adults, are the peer role models. Children learn from people they love, and boys love each other. It is my sincere hope that every boy gets to experience a caring community filled with role models where they develop loving friendships. I wish every boy will feel confident saying, "I love you," to a brother. 

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My Man: It’s OK to be boys (Part I – Introduction)

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